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Saturday, July 22, 2017

Too ambitious to be mediocre

Hello Darkness,

I told my mom that I’m not going to apply for a job yet since we got a lot of stuff planned, and she agrees with me, she even suggested I study something else for the meantime, like a language or something. So our game plan is that I find an online job and learn a foreign language, which is great, but I also want to try working at a café because I always see it in Asian dramas and animes, I also have a friend who works at a café, I think it was a slushie place or something. Butt, I don’t know if I can get a job as a café waitress because I don’t have a degree on HRIM or HRM or anything relating to the industry. I also doubt that I’ll be accepted as a content writer for the company I applied for because I made a fatal grammar mistake, which is I forgot to capitalize the letter of the first word after a period. I also kind of realized that my emotional outburst in the previous post (btw I cried my heart out, as in CRIED MY HEART OUT writing that post) was caused by PMS. I find that crying your heart out is really good for the soul, it releases bad vibes, stress, and negative energy thingies and all the watchamacallem.

Also, my mom, great aunt, and I scouted for a new place today. The first one was a townhouse, it was big and it had 4 rooms, including an attic and a master bedroom WITH A BATHTUB! But my mom and great aunt didn’t like it because according to them it felt like a horror house, that it had a negative energy around it, that it felt like if you laid in the bathtub someone would pull you down and drown you, but I really liked the attic because it looked like the perfect place to film YouTube videos and do my arts and crafts. We went around the city until we found the perfect place at a subdivision not too far from the highway, we all really liked it and it was affordable too, however I will have to say goodbye to my best friends 7Eleven and Jollibee, their convenience will be missed.

Taking a break from our house searching, we went to SM and ate at Bucket O’ Shrimps. I’ve been craving for seafoods lately, I even cooked Seafood ramen and hurt my finger while preparing the mussels. Anyway, the food at the restaurant was absolutely delicious! Not to mention affordable.

And then after a long day of house searching, we went grocery shopping. My mom has taken a liking to reading the Cosmopolitan Magazine, so she bought the new issue and I read it first since she was busy doing something else. While I was reading the magazine, a thought came to mind, I realized that I could never be a writer for a magazine just like I wanted to after giving up on being a fashion designer. I don’t think I can be a good writer for a magazine… I remember in one of my classes with our now college dean, I remember him asking us what jobs we wanted to have after graduating and I said I wanted to work for magazines, I pictured myself as an editor-in-chief of one of the top magazines in the country, and he said “Then why did you choose English Literature? You should’ve taken Mass Communication, because if I were the HR manager of a magazine I would pick the one who finished MassCom”, like WHAT THE FUCK SIR?! Do you want me to switch courses when I’ve already enrolled and finished a year of this fucking course?! Do you know how tiring it is to switch courses? Yeah, way to crush my dreams man. Butt anyway, after that class I just left that commentary at the back of my mind, I still hoped that I would land a job at a magazine company, because back then I thought I was good at writing. Currently, I’m not so sure anymore, I’m not… *sigh* I don’t know how bad/good I am at the stuff I’m into, I feel pretty mediocre. As much as possible, I want to get a job at something I know I’m good at, so that I can make sure that I am producing quality outputs and make my superiors happy with me, which will be fitting for a salary raise.

I WANNA BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.

So here’s my problem:
  • ·       I wanna be good at something
  • ·       I have too many hobbies, idk which one to focus and hone
  • ·       I don’t do much of all the things I like
  • ·       Writer’s block is a bitch

For example, I want to write but I don’t know what to write about, or I seldom have anything to write about, or I have something to write about but I don’t know how to write it, so it ends up as a draft that is never finished. I don’t want to just write something so plainly, I want to produce quality work.

What job can I get that I can be good at? ‘Cause I want to start working immediately so that I can pay my mom back for all the hard work she’s done for me. I want to be successful already because my mom isn’t getting any younger, when the hell will I be able to treat her to a luxurious trip to Europe? When she’s having problems travelling or enjoying my money because she’s old? I want her to be able to enjoy my money as much as I enjoyed hers. I also want my nanay to enjoy my hard work, I wanna treat them to all the good stuff! I wish I could get a job that pays me 20k+ a month like my mom does, but she’s in the medical field, and her time is different from mine, it’s a dog eat dog world for millenials, it’s like the fucking hunger games! What’s a talentless and confused millennial got to do? I’m a Slytherin! I don’t want to be mediocre! I’m too ambitious to be mediocre!

Saturday, July 15, 2017

I'm going nowhere

Hello Darkness,


In my previous posts I said I was feeling lost, well now I feel like... like I'm stuck in a deserted island.


I feel like I'm going nowhere.

I want to get lost, well not lost lost but... lost on purpose. I want to go to a quiet island or beach and spend some time with myself, I want serenity! years ago I saved a lot of money to go on a vacation by myself right after graduation, but then I met the Say U people and I turned it into a savings account to go to Dallas for the meetup, BUTT THEN I took like maybe 5k from it and bought a bunch of shopkins dolls and house packs for stop motion animation purposes, so I only have about 11k or so in my savings account. 

This dream post-grad vacation has an essential item I need to have:
- A waterproof camera/sports cam or something like a go pro but cheaper.

To buy that kind of camera I need money, and as much as possible, I would like to buy it with MY own money, and to have my own money I must get a job. Say I got a job and now have the money, my most important concern is: Will they let me take a vacation even if I just got hired?

I'm really concerned about that one, cause my mom said that when I'm absolutely done with school she would take me somewhere. She said she'd take me to Cebu along with my cousins and aunt, I also heard she'd take me to Manila, she said we'd go get our visas, that's a lot of absences. My schedule revolves around my mom, I can plan what I'm going to do in a day but I can't plan ahead for an entire week, because she comes on the weekends and so I just go with the flow of whatever she wants to do. 

I just want to get it all over with y'know? I want to be officially done with my thesis, I want my TOR, I want to cut strings with the university, I want all the vacations and activities that mom has planned done and over with, I.WANT.IT.ALL.DONE. Because I feel like only till those things are done will I get my freedom, I've done the things everyone wants me to do, it's time I do the things I want to do.

I want to be able to hold my own schedule, go where I want to go, do the things I want to do. I want to be able to finish a book in one day, I want to finish a kdrama, I want to be able to go watch all the seasons of Naruto, I want to learn Japanese, I want to do voice acting, I want to do all the things I've always wanted to do without anyone and anything holding me back because all these years I feel like I've been stuck in a cage! And I feel like to get that freedom I need to be completely independent.

I want to try living by myself, I want my own house, I want to decorate it however I want, I want to wake up in the morning, get ready for work, go to work, go home, take care of my dog, cook for myself, pay bills and taxes, go out with friends on fridays. I want to give back to my family, I want to take care of them and give them a comfortable life, I want to be a functioning member of the society, I want to contribute something to the world, I want to have a purpose! I want to be great at something! I don't want to just live life day to day and then die. I don't want to just live off of my mom's or someone else's paycheck, I don't want to be a bum! I want to do stuff! I want to inspire people! I want to help people! I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to be useless, I don't want to be worthless.

But the way things are now, it just feels like I'm going nowhere. 


I can't even bake cupcakes properly. I feel like a failure.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Will I be good at it?

Hello Darkness,

I still feel hella lost. The company I applied for, for the position of content writer, replied to me and asked me for two writing samples even though I sent them links to my facebook page and launchora account, where I post all my write ups, and I haven't sent them anything yet 'cause I want to send them something better than the ones I've written before, I want it to be brand new and better. Maybe this need for perfection is giving me writer's block? heh, if I take this long to write up a sample for them, how much more if I start working for them? I might disappoint them...

Also, the call center company I applied for hasn't contacted me yet. I emailed my resume and application letter to them last week or so. Moreover, the more I learn about the call center agency life, via facebook posts, the more I question myself if I can really do a good job at it. I'm not too techie, I rely on my friends when I run into computer troubles, I stutter at times when I speak to my english speaking friends, I get speechless when phone companies call me looking for my mom or advertising something and I don't know what to say.

A few days ago I saw a trailer for a new movie starring Ella Cruz, and in that movie Ella is a voice actress. It gave me an idea that maybe... just maybe... I could be a voice actor? Should I? *sigh* Do I even have a chance? there's a 99% chance that all the auditions are in Luzon.

I need someone to talk to, someone who doesn't comfort me with sweet words, but also someone who won't break my dreams and aspirations. I still remember when my mom told me that I couldn't be a fashion designer because of various reasons that I refuse to name, but it really broke my heart. I wanted to cry when she told me that but I couldn't show her, I refused to show her how sad it made me. I stopped drawing outfits after that, and then I just drew portraits, which were never good enough for me so a few months back I announced that I would quit art, not the entirety of it but those that I practiced.


I feel like I'm never good enough at anything....


Now when I think of the jobs I could apply for, I ask myself :

Will I be good at it?

Monday, July 3, 2017

To be or not to be?

Hello Darkness,

I had a run in with the cops today, well, not cops but mall security. They introduced me to a new rule called "no k12 students allowed inside during school hours", being the baby face that I am, I was mistaken as one. Times like these make me want to switch bodies with someone else, because as much as people say I'm lucky to have a face like this, it is more like a curse than a blessing. When I complain about this issue people often blame the way I behave and dress myself, which sorta pisses me off because this is who I am, this is how I am, and this is what I am, I can't help but be myself okay?

For me dressing ladylike and putting on a demure composure like how you might expect a 22 year old girl would be like is pretty hard to do, it's a fckng job! If I was an actress and I was paid to "not be me" I would do it, I would endure it, but I ain't doin it to please everyone. SO DO YOU SEE DA STRUGGLE NOW? Should I change myself so I can be treated as an adult and sacrifice my real identity?

Speaking of identity, I don't remember if I mentioned in my previous blog post that I plan to dye my hair red, problem is I don't know if the company/ies I plan to work for will let me keep my red hair color.

*gaaaaasp* I shouldn't have sent my application already!!!


aaah!!! I planned on staying at home for an entire 2 weeks to watch anime and kdramaaa!!! nooooo....


I need a vacation. I need to get away from the world... but I spent my money on dolls....fuuuuuuudge!!!



I lost my train of thought.

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Ah, now I remember why I chose this title.


To be or not to be - A YOUTUBER. My run in with the authority made me think of a skit that I plan to upload on youtube, problem is I DON'T HAVE A STUDIO OR ANY PLACE TO FILM IT. I live in a shoebox and it just isn't going to work... *sigh* and I'll need props for it too.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

One step forward

Hello Darkness,

I had my first ever job interview this weekend, I applied at a daycare center and I got the job. I didn't feel nervous at all during the interview, maybe because I knew I'd get the job and I couldn't care less about it. Maybe it's a Slytherin thing, but even during our school's job fair I didn't feel nervous, unlike my classmates who had to gather their guts and was happy I  volunteered to go first, the slytherin inside me said "pfft, this is a piece of cake! just talk and baffle them with your bullshit, it's a sure win". My slytherin self tells me I can get the jobs I plan to apply for, and my slytherin self also whispers in my ears that I can take on the world.

BUTT on the other hand, my insecure self has a few... okay maybe a lot, of questions for me;

"Yeah you may get the job, but will you be good at it? will you last long?"

"Will you be happy with it?"


I feel like I'm contradicting myself a lot. You see, I keep saying that I don't know what I want but I also keep saying that I want too many things. I know what I want to have eventually, I know what my long term goals are but what do I want RIGHT NOW? which goals do I pursue first? how do I get to where I want to go? it feels like I know what I have to do in phase 3 but I'm completely clueless on what to do in phase 1 and 2.

I also have the same problem when I'm writing stories. I know what my characters will do in the middle of the story but I don't know how to get them there, I know how I want them to meet but how I go from them? I have their backstories, character analysis, but how do I go from phase 1 to 3?

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I had a lot more I wanted to say but I forgot them all... I guess I should start writing down my thoughts as soon as I think of them, instead of assuming that I'll remember them.
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Did I really forget? or am I just filtering my thoughts too much? maybe I don't know which thoughts to share on this post? *sigh* my mind is too messy.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Reset: Start all over

Hello darkness,


I'm back to blogging again even though I suck at keeping up a blog/journal. But I decided to return to this quiet page because I know no one is going to read it. Before I came to this decision however, I argued with myself whether I really wanted to do this, this is the internet after all, and blogging means that I'm granting the world access to a part of my my brain, my life. I was particularly worried that people would judge me based on my thoughts, but then again, people judge people whether offline or online, and besides is anyone ever going to read this?

So here I am, starting this blog all over again. By the way, I deleted all my previous posts for the fresh new start. But before I go any further, I would like to state the ultimate reason on why I decided to do this, and that reason is so that I can trace my thoughts, feelings, and mood patterns. Lately I've been feeling so lost and disoriented, I'm functioning as a human and doing human stuff but... Idk. And sometimes I get sad without any real reason to be sad, negative thoughts come and go but the feeling of emptiness lingers. I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what that is.

I have so many questions in my head.

what do I do?

what do I want?

where am I going?


My cousin and I made plans to start going to the gym but her work schedule isn't flexible enough. I don't want her to go to work already exhausted but at the same time I don't want to go to the gym at night. And we're always busy during the weekends, my mom usually makes all the plans during weekends and she doesn't tell us ahead of time what she has planned cause she's always changing her mind. 

I'm also thinking of dying my hair red, I already have the dye boxes, but since I still have to go to school to finish up my thesis the school guards might not let me in, which is a real buzzkill. Aside from that, since I fucked up my bangs and went to the salon to have it unfucked (or fixed) my bangs became thicker and fuller. I don't know, I don't think my current hairstyle really expresses my individuality, I feel like I'm not myself, like I'm wearing someone else's body. So now I'll have to wait till my hair grows out. 



You know what? I just realized I hate my hair. 


Moooooving on, I also can't decide on where I want to work. Do I want to work at a call center agency? Do I want to work as an online english tutor? Do I want to work as a content writer? what's a fresh graduate gotta do? I want to make money but how? where do I start? I have so many things I need to pay for and want to buy, I have completely lost my frugal self. 

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Will I look good with red hair??